Gogo Jones
Sports Editor
I literally cannot think of a more annoying creature than the squirrel. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve grown up in a town where these lil’ gremlins can be found every five feet, or maybe it’s the fact that they gypsy all of the bird seed my dad puts out for more respectable fauna such as cardinals- but boy do I hate them.
Their little noses, beady eyes, twitchy actions and tendency to get plowed on my road all contribute to my growing disdain. I guess they’d be cool to see for like a week if you were from India, but people from the northeast know exactly where I’m coming from.
However, when I was a little kid, things were different. For those of you who attended the Nature Center pre-school, you’ll recall how they attempted to brainwash us into liking squirrels by making us repeat the “gray squirrel” song over and over. As a savvy young man, I averted these mind control tactics by only pretending to sing along.
Then, after watching A Christmas Story (classic), I begged my parents for a Red Rider bb gun. Of course, mi madre didn’t approve, but my dad was all for it. What a supreme gift that was. Now it was time for sweet revenge on those bushy tailed bastards. Animal lovers, here’s where you’ll wanna stop reading. Just kidding- I didn’t kill any squirrels. But I did nip them in the behind with little steel pellets. Ever since then it’s been a constant battle for dominancy over the Jones backyard dominion. But despite my efforts, they kept comin.
However, the tides have started to turn. Although I can’t control what they do while I’m at school, they run for the hills whenever they hear my jeep Cherokee roll up in the driveway. The worst is when I see one, have a two minute staring contest, then run to get my glock and return only to discover that they had taken refuge in a nearby pine. That’s because they know what’s up.
Go choke on some acorns and stay off my lawn. Next time you bully my bluebirds get ready to feel the heat.
Poor kids, they don’t even know what’s really going on…
