Gretchen McCarthy, Reporter
@gretchencourant
When you put the words Thanksgiving, Christmas and vegetarian together, they instantly form a combination that becomes impossible for people to wrap their heads around. Everyone is so used to the big, fat, juicy centerpiece that sits in the middle of their table that they can’t imagine having Turkey Day without the turkey, or Christmas Eve without the Christmas ham. For me, this meatless holiday season became the norm three years ago when my eighth grade self made what she thought to be an edgy and independent decision by choosing to become a vegetarian. After a while of forgetting what I had decided to do, the vegetarian idea stuck and here I am three years later, still chugging along despite not having any morning bacon to wake up to.
The first thing people always ask when I tell them I’m a vegetarian is, “So what do you eat?” which is pretty ridiculous anyway, but even more so around the holiday season because the giant turkey, chicken or ham is always surrounded by infinite amounts of side dishes, and endless slices and types of pie. Everyone always manages to forget that the sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, green beans, stuffing, and pies are all 0% meat.
Another name for vegetarians during the holidays could easily be “side dish champions,” for our complete domination of everything that is not the main course. We live the dream, never having to worry that someone is going to take all the dark meat before you get through the line, not having to take care of the turkey juice seeping over the rest of our plate, and instead we get first dibs at the best choices. Personally, even if I don’t get to the sweet potatoes first, I’m still going to pull the “vegetarian card” and get ahead of that annoying cousin who’s really only getting potatoes because his mommy told him to and would never eat a bite anyway.
After people completely forget about the majority of the holiday meal and ask how you’re not going to starve to death, they start to question if you’re really a true vegetarian. The uncle who’s been waiting all day to carve the turkey is always the first to ask, “So you’re really not going to have any?” Like this whole time you’ve just been kidding, and you were always going to eat the turkey that has become his pride and joy overnight. And then you have to do the pained smile and compliment him on the poor bird he’s spent all day watching and basting just so he doesn’t think it’s personal. Even the closest members of my family who have known for three years that I don’t eat meat still think that I’m suddenly going to drop everything and go crazy for the gravy the second it’s put on the table.
These questions fall with all the other things people ask because it is simply impossible for them to accept that you won’t be eating any of the hamburgers, chicken or whatever else they’ve prepared for you. The first time they hear it, it becomes a personal attack on their cooking, and then it just turns into sheer insanity when they realize that you won’t eat any meat at all, even if it was prepared under the watchful eye of Gordon Ramsay himself.
The last of the holiday nightmares us vegetarians deal with is the inescapable question about tofurkey. I would say there are two types of vegetarians, those who regularly eat tofu, tempeh and other meat substitutes; and those who almost never do. I am strongly a part of the latter, preferring my tofu fresh from Sushi 25, surrounded by other vegetables and covered in the thickest curry sauce I can find on the menu. Some people can happily eat a tofurkey with their Thanksgiving dinner. I however would prefer to keep that abomination as far away from my precious mashed potatoes as possible.
Everyone gets so flustered by the fact that I’m not eating any meat, that they immediately assume that I have to eat something that looks, tastes, or acts like meat; unable to understand that finding something to eat during the holidays isn’t the hard part, it’s answering and dealing with all the questions that is the real struggle.
3 Things every vegetarian has been asked, and the responses we desperately want to give:
What do you eat?
Well, most of the time the only food I can find is fresh hand picked grass, but if you combine that with some kale and more “rabbit food” it’s usually enough to count as a dinner. But I can’t forget all of the tofu I constantly have on me, that’s always a delicious meal just on its own!
But…protein?! Do you get enough of that?
Since the only protein available ever, anywhere, in the whole world is meat, thank you so much for helping me notice how much of an issue this is! Why eat beans, almonds or anything else when you can bite into a nice raw steak and get all that protein plus a little extra blood too?
Are you going to get mad if I eat this burger?
Actually, contrary to popular belief, I won’t spontaneously combust if meat is within a five foot radius of me. Feel free to do whatever you want with your own food choices, as long as you don’t wave that in front of my face I promise we can still be friends.
