Emma Hutchins
Opinions Editor
It’s that time of the year again. The sun slowly recedes, Uggs return from their reverse hibernation, Kleenex sales make a noticeable spike, and my mom nags me to get the flu shot (to which I usually scour the internet for horror stories of obscure allergic reactions as “evidence” that our doctor is actually being overdramatic, really, I will be fine without being punctured by the primitive harpoon the nurse calls a needle).
So in honor of this gloriously germy ghurry (confession: I don’t actually know what “ghurry” means), I’ve compiled a list of diseases for your viewing pleasure and overall enlightenment. Think Gray’s Anatomy, NCHS style.
- Mononucleosis – the kiss of death (pun intended). Kiss all your potential hook-ups goodbye (okay, I promise to stop now). For the few of you that actually got this “social sickness” from sharing a water bottle, may I suggest the “I met him/her at a concert, at least he/she was really hot!” route. Trust me.
- Carpel tunnel syndrome – If you’ve ever taken an AP history class, you know this baby well! Because writing a five paragraph essay about the Protestant Reformation is completely possible to do during passing time. Cue the arthritic joints.
- Senioritis – self-explanatory.
- Hypothermia – oh those pesky air conditioners. You walk into a classroom and are met by a choir of complaints about the arctic climate currently gracing your geometry quiz. Then there’s the ol’ put an icepack on the thermostat trick, but by the time that’s figured out you’re off to your next class.
- Cholera – the warm, fuzzy feeling inside…your small intestine? That bacon, egg, and cheese and Moo Bella combo seemed like a good idea during your 2nd period free. Alas, the digestive gods think otherwise. Someone will be taking a few bathroom breaks, assuming they’re actually unlocked for once.
- “Mental Health” day – uh-huh. You know who you are. And so does the attendance office.
- Restless leg syndrome – kicks in around the 6th or 7th period, specifically during a double period class (I’m talking about you lab periods and Amstud).
- Insomnia – because sleep is for the feeble-minded.
- Sunburn – This isn’t really applicable during the winter months, but one can always dream of warmer weather and Aloe Vera (thank you anonymous Nordic ancestors). Draw inspiration from the Jersey Shore during your frees by lying out on the mats near the track. Lounge. Burn. Repeat.
And so there you have it, a medical guide for the teenage New Canaanites. P.S. there’s still time to apply Pre-med for those ambitious seniors!
