Gogo Jones
Sports Editor
Sometimes old people are pretty dope. They can do lots of exclusive things that we can’t. Like if you started rocking a snapback that said “Vietnam Troop 77” or went grocery shopping on a mobile scooter, it just wouldn’t work–you’d look like a d-bag. I mean I’d trade all the bling in the world to cop a life alert necklace, but it looks like I’ll just have to wait my turn.
Old people are always very well groomed, tuck in their shirts, and rock those baller unisex all-white new balance kicks. They say words like “spiffy” and “whippersnapper “ that take me back to a malt shop in ’52. They have unreal names like Agnus, Eugene, Meriam and Leroy.
But before you get as mad as I do, when I think about all the exclusive things our elderly citizens get to do, I think about the downside to all of that growing up. It’s gotta suck to not be able to do layups without breaking a hip or talk to honeys without looking like a creep. Sometimes I wonder what it will be like for us when we get up there into the triple digits. Will wearing patagonias and nikes be super lame? Will words like “dude” and “rage” be outdated? Will our grandchildren snicker in the back of our ancient Jeeps when we put on Avicii? Hmm, it’ll sure be different. All I hope is that some day, in my ripe old years, I’ll be surrounded by exotic pets and get to say things like “Oh Chives? I feel like Chinese food tonight. Fetch my cloak and we’ll depart for Beijing in a half hour”. Ever wondered what you’d look like as an old person? If you want to ruin the surprise just download age booth and have fun depressing yourself. We cant be young forever, as much as that sucks, but at least there are some things to look forward to 😉
– G$
