By Gracie Castle, Kate McMahon and David Strupp
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On Friends vs. Significant Other:
Throughout the school day into the late afternoon, junior James* texts and snapchats his girlfriend: the messages ranging from casual conversation to plans for the following weekend. Rarely seeing his girlfriend or group of friends at school, he relies on the weekends to hang out and catch up with both types of people.
To the observer, it may seem that James places more importance on his girlfriend; however, according to James, his group of friends play a far more significant role in his life than does his girlfriend. “I have a really great and tight group of friends so I’m really fortunate for that. If having a girlfriend meant giving them up, then absolutely not,” he said. “Having a girlfriend in high school is like playing the lottery. Giving up relationships with the most reliable and trustworthy people I know for something that has a 90% chance of failure after a year, is statistically speaking, really stupid.”
Although junior Daniel* has been in a very close relationship with his girlfriend since his freshman year, he agrees with James that his friends have a greater impact on his life. “My group of friends are more important to me. You can become very close with a girlfriend as they can even become your best friend, but you will inevitably break up with a girlfriend in high school,” he said. “On the other hand, your friends will always be there and will continue to interact with you beyond high school.”
Because of this preference for close friends and the comfortability they provide, James will make plans to spend time with his friends and significant other all together. “Hanging out with friends and the girl I like is nice. When I’m with my friends, I’m in my comfort zone. Everything is familiar and it’s just my element,” he said. “When I’m with my friends I feel like I can really let myself and my personality shine through without having to worry about being nervous and caring what the girl thinks about too much.”
Daniel also finds a way to incorporate both his friends and significant other into his free time. “I spend time with both my friends and my girlfriend all the time. Hanging out alone and with friends are good for different situations,” he said. “But you are not going to be intimate with your friends sitting right next to you.”
However, James also see the flaws in relying on his group of friends to reduce his stress and nervousness. “It’s a cop-out that I don’t really like taking. Being able to do something on my own gives me a much greater sense of accomplishment, because not only did I get this girl to like me, but I did so when I was out of my comfort zone,” he said. “Also, being one on one with a girl allows me to see if I even like the girl. Plus it makes building the trust in the relationship a much faster process.”
Junior Samantha* receives more enjoyment from hanging out with her boyfriend alone. “It’s more exciting when it’s a guy you like, because you get butterflies and you know you guys both like each other so it’s fun to hang out and be yourself with someone,” she said.
On Dates vs. Hookups:
Unlike some students, Senior Ryan* does not attempt to text or hang out with girls to form a relationship; instead, he looks forward to weekend raves or parties where he can find girls to “hook up” with. “The main basis of a rave is dancing and hooking up with other people. The people that you hook up with are people you know from around school,” Ryan said. “Leading up to the interaction, there can be some emotional attachment or maybe you don’t know each other at all really. It can just be a one time thing.”
Some students such as junior Emily* use these raves as a stepping stone to a real relationship. “Our relationship actually started at a rave in October. We hooked up and then we continued to talk afterwards,” she said. “Eventually, we found that we really liked each other and started dating.”
Junior Sam* hooked up with his girlfriend multiple times before deciding to make their relationship official, finding that they share more in common than the mutual desire to hook up with each other. “Our relationship began when she was in one of my classes and we started talking through text. We eventually hung out and after we hooked up about five times we started dating,” he said. “Initially, I liked her on a purely physical level. Over time, our relationship became more and more emotional.”
Although junior Samantha* agrees that hooking up is a method of getting to know someone, she revealed that she would enjoy being taken out on a date. “I would love to be taken out on a date,” she said. “It would be weird if I didn’t really know the guy, but if I did then I think it would be fun and a really good way to get to know them.
From James’s prospective, dates can be incredibly intimidating as they can turn into uncomfortable situations if the two people do not have much in common; however, they can also be a great way to get to know someone. “They’re exciting. A little uncomfortable, and slightly nerveracking, but that’s what makes it exciting. I like dates because they’re a sort of test for me. I put myself way out of my comfort zone and just see what happens,” he said. “The way I see it, if a girl likes me, even in the slightest, then she’ll go with me. If she says no and she actually likes me, then that’s her loss.”
After having been in a relationship for a few months, junior Kerry* often never goes on dates, hanging out at home instead. “I haven’t really been brought on a date. One time, my boyfriend and I got dinner at Chipotle but I don’t think that counts. We always just hang out,” she said. “We like to just watch movies and TV whenever we are together.”
On the Ideal Relationship:
For junior Samantha*, finding a boyfriend is not at the top of her priorities. Instead, she is waiting for opportunities to arise and the right person to present themselves. However, that does not stop her from fantasizing about the ideal relationship. “I guess I’m looking for a relationship but I’m not searching after guys. If I find one that I like enough, I’ll try but I’m not really one to initiate or go after a guy aggressively,” she said. “I would just want to be with someone that I really like, that I can have fun with and be comfortable around.”
Junior Jack* is looking for a casual relationship, perhaps a “friend-with-benefits” that he can connect with on a physical rather than emotional level. “I don’t want to take a future relationship so seriously. My last girlfriend and I got into a lot of fights because the more we got to know each other, the more we cared about the state of our union,” he said. “The less serious it is, the less fights there are. Ideally, I would just want it to just be casual.”
On the other hand, senior Ryan* is tired of casual hook ups and seeks a more profound relationship with someone he can connect with on an emotional basis. “Personally, I would rather have a girlfriend. I am tired of going out on the weekend and just hooking up with girls,” he said. “I think it would be nice to be able to have a girl that I really like to just watch a movie with and chill. Hopefully, we would be good friends so that it would be a more emotional than a physical or sexual relationship.”
Although some search for either a casual “friend-with-benefits” or a person they truly enjoy spending time with, junior James* does not attempt to find a significant other. “My last serious relationship did not end well. It may have even ended in the worst way possible, and it hurt. That hurt makes me nervous of what’s to come down the road. The thought of building trust in someone and putting in the time and effort only for it to come to its inevitable end seems like a waste. I mean this is just high school. The girl I meet next isn’t going to be my wife,” he said. “When it ends, I’m back where I started, and in that way it’s just a meaningless process. Maybe that’s why so few people date in our school.”
*All names have been changed
