Finding the “veritas” in the college admissions process

Casey Manzella
Editor-in-Chief

Class of 2015,

I am writing to encourage you in this exciting admissions process. We here at the Office of Undergraduate Admissions truly understand how inuring the process can be. After all, it was merely 60 years ago when we applied to college, so nothing much has changed. Because we truly care about you as a human being, at least so far as you are defined by your test scores, we would like to share some admissions tips with you in an effort to alleviate some of your stress.

To begin with, we view your application holistically; we take into account every single part of your application, assuming you received at least a 2380 on your SAT and have a GPA above a 100%. Now, you may say “That’s not really holistic,” to which we would respond, “Please review your SAT vocabulary words more frequently,” because the definition of “holistic” is as follows: characterized by comprehension of the parts of something as intimately interconnected and explicable only by reference to the whole.¹ Since standardized tests define your self-worth and dignity as a human being, they are the “whole” of you, “intimately interconnected” to your very being.

Assuming you meet the aforementioned requirements we will take into account your extracurricular activities. Students, admissions officers are not the malicious people current college freshmen characterize us as. We are reasonable. We understand high school is stressful, and that there are only so many hours in the day. That said, we expect you to be engaged in at least six charitable organizations, a sports team every season, play at least three instruments, and participate in at least seven academic clubs, five of which you should lead. For example, it is not nearly enough to be a Boy Scout, play soccer and be captain of the Debate Team. There are 24 hours in the day. Factoring in school and homework time, participating in only Boy Scouts, soccer and Debate Team would leave you with eight hours of free time. Here at admissions, when we see a student who has eight hours of free time we are immediately concerned and begin to question their work ethic. After all, what could they possibly being doing with all of that free time, sleeping?

Throughout this invigorating process you may hear people around you mutter the phrase, “The admissions process is like playing the lottery.” While this may initially cause a slight feeling of unease, there is absolutely no reason you should be concerned. The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 176 million, which is really not that bad. If you simply apply to 176 million schools you should get into one.² Now that most universities are on the Common App, unlike back in our day, this should be feasible.

Although you may be applying to multiple schools, it is very important that your supplemental essays be specific to the the university you are applying to. While you may have only attended one 20-minute information session a year ago, please include specific information about exactly what you love about our university, such as the interior decor of our dorms and classrooms and how that speaks to who you want to be as a person.

On the topic of essays, it is absolutely essential that in 650 words or less you sum up everything you have learned in life to come to a final conclusion about the meaning of life. At 17 years old, you should also be able to briefly, and effectively describe every aspect of who you are and who you want to be, concisely and eloquently. Since we are reading lots of essays, we also ask that you make your essay entertaining. In describing your entire life story and every aspect of your character please also include humor. Many students find the essay writing process difficult, which stupifies us here at admissions. It is a completely natural thing for one to share deep, personal experiences with someone they have never met before. If a student cannot do this, how can they possibly function in the adult world where people frequently spout personal information for the world to analyze, judge and use to determine self-worth?

Students, we sincerely hope we have alleviated some of the stress you may be feeling from the college process. Our goal here at admissions is to find the right school for you, not to crush your dreams. Even though you may think you know where you want to go to college, we know better. After all, your SAT scores, GPA, extracurricular activities and essays have shown us exactly who you are as a person and if you have any self-worth or potential for success in the real world.

Sincerely,

Dr. Verum Inturpis
Dean of Undergraduate Admissions