Ellen Trinklein
Opinions Editor
1. Little and old—terms given to slow, overly cautious drivers or the frail, sick, and weak elderly we sometimes like to shove into retirement homes
2. Dressed all in fur—either this means he facilitates the murder of innocent animals (can you say cute baby seals?) or he is a member of an Alaskan Inuit tribe.
3. Clothes tarnished by ashes and soot—is he an orphan-forced-chimney sweep in 19th century England? Or a hobo straight of the streets of New York City? You decide.
4. One who twinkles—Like a star, or Edward Cullen. Or the metal of a Nagant M18995 revolver right before it shoots you in the head.
5. Cherry-nosed—This is kind of like Silence of the Lambs, only instead of Buffalo Bill its Santa Clause (admittedly their names are equally as ridiculous), and instead of obese women he uses cherries for his “nose skin.” Why? I sense it has something to do with Rudolf’s ridiculous popularity.
6. White—many things are white, i.e. the baby seals killed to make Santa’s coat, snow, dandruff, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
7. Bowlful of Jelly—a delicious (depending on your taste) desert food made of gelatin and food coloring.
8. Chubby and plump –synonymous in our society with lazy, a glutton (well, he does like his cookies and milk), and a waste.
So, the Santa you know is an orphan-forced-chimney sweep, a glutton, a slow and overly cautious driver, a murderer of innocent baby seals and a delicious desert food made of Gelatin, right? Because I don’t remember ever watching Silence of the Lambs: Christmas Edition or someone pointing a gun at me while lying presents under the tree.
Maybe it’s just me, but I think for now I’ll stop trying to define things so clearly. Before you know it, you might wake up on Christmas morning to find an Inuit hobo who’s jealous of Rudolf rambling around your house and eating Santa’s cookies.
