College touring made easy (or at least less painful)

Audrey Piehl
Opinions Editor

A few years ago “college” was merely a distant milestone, a backdrop for summer comedies, and perhaps your father’s favorite nostalgic topic. But now, as my fellow seniors and I plunge into the application process, “college” has lost its quotation marks and has become a serious reality. And like most serious realities, it is not always a walk in the quad. So, for the sake of my peers’ mental health, I have made a list of a few observations and guidelines for the inevitable family college tour.

1. If there’s a place you got to get, I can get you there I bet. I’m the Map
Google Map the directions to the campus and leave early. And I mean early. Because finding the visitor’s center on any campus is a major pain in the gluteus maximus. Plus, nobody wants to stop and ask a college hipster with Beats where the nearest bathroom is so your mother can relieve herself before the tour (this came dangerously close to happening, so help me).

2. eHarmony for tour guides
As any guidance counselor will preach, a tour guide should not be the defining factor of where you attend college. But the fact is you don’t want to be stuck on an hour and half long tour with a droning monotone or stuttering King George VI. If a potential tour guide is an enthusiastic and well-spoken student majoring in a subject interesting to you, see if you can ally yourself with them for the tour. If not, schmooze afterwards as they grab a drink of water. Shout out to Dan for being a fantastic tour guide and conversationalist when it came to discussing a strange woman feeding squirrels on campus. She’d call them her squirrels, people. It was weird.

3. It doesn’t have to be an episode of Modern Family
Don’t think that every member of your immediate and extended family has to attend every tour. I think most parents would agree that at least one member of the party paying for your tuition should be present, but every single one would be absurd. For example my father happily avoided my third and fourth tour. He only needs to hear about application deadlines and meal plans so many times, when all he really wants to know is if the education is good and Slenderman isn’t lurking about.

4. There is no such thing as a stupid question
There are a few key factors that will allow your future college to shine and Admission Office employees and tour guides will do their best to polish said factors as much as possible. However by even the second tour, the knowledge of campus-wide WiFi access and great food in the Dining Hall will be nothing new. So narrow any and all questions to aspects of college you know are going to be important to you. In other words, don’t be the nagging grandma in platform Merrills.

5. Don’t be afraid to ditch
It’s 102 degrees, it’s a blister fiesta on your feet, and the first mention of a dorm room curfew has left you nauseous. Plus it’s only fifteen minutes in. So what to do? Leave. You didn’t pay for this tour and it’s their job to sell to you. If you’re an unsatisfied customer off the bat, don’t feel guilty to discreetly slip out before the obligatory mention of how the campus is somehow going “green.”