Reilly O’Neill, Reporter
@RONeillCourant
High school is a wonderful time of self expression and discovery, or at least that’s what the movies say. What the movies don’t say is that people are judgmental. So here I go: Boxed. Water. Is. Hilarious.
These white cartons with the block letters of “Boxed Water Is Better” printed largely across the sides, have been popping up all around me; in the halls, in town, and in the purses of working moms. And guess what? It’s ridiculously easy to make fun of! So here’s 9 reasons Boxed Water isn’t better.
1.BOXES STILL WASTE PAPER
When you go onto the Boxed Water website, you are met with a black and white layout that advertises the “renew-ability and sustainability” of boxed water. The company’s selling point is that boxes are made from paper which is a renewable resource. Well, I call bull. Because while trees are, in fact renewable, trees are getting ripped out out of the ground faster than they’re being dropped in.
2. POLAND SPRING’S WEBSITE IS NICER
While on the subject of online aesthetics, the Poland Spring bottled water website is colorful and bright, It catches your attention and it’s graphics really look like effort was put into them.
3. OH, HOW HIPSTER OF YOU
Old people and our parents make fun of us enough for our selfies and Starbucks and iPhones, we don’t need to perpetuate the stereotype of our so-called “hipster generation.” I mean, please. I came up with the idea of it before it was cool.
4. “PROPRIETARY FILTRATION” SOUNDS PRETENTIOUS
So, apparently their filtration process is “unlike an other” which is ridiculous. These hippies are not the first ones to filter water! Poland Spring and Dasani have been doing it for years! Shut up, Boxed Water big shots. Stop corrupting our youth with your pretentious hipster ideals, and, come on we don’t need to recycle. It’s not like climate change is real, and saving energy doesn’t really matter.
5. WHERE’S THE FLUORIDE?
A big selling point on these cardboard impostors is their purity and lack of minerals and fluoride. Well, the thing is, human beings sort of need those minerals and fluoride to survive. But hey at least it’s gluten free and vegan and probably has a kale-infused option for all the millennials to suck down to their organic hearts content.
6. THE CHALLENGE IS GONE
With packages that look like they came off of a Glamour Magazine photo shoot, the simple yet classy boxes are easy to open and portable. But, (pause for dramatic effect) I miss the challenge. You know what I’m talking about. The struggle to lift 5 gallon jugs onto my water cooler from outside. Not to mention that there’s no barrier between the water and me. No more tough tabs or excess plastic to deal with. It seems like I appreciate it a bit more when I have to work for it.
7. POLAND SPRING SPONSORS COOLER THINGS
In my research into this subject, I discovered that water companies actually sponsor quite a bit of stuff. All of which shows off their personal flavor, pun intended. Boxed Water, has put it’s name on things that are all about saving the Earth, nothing all that fun. And, in my opinion, pretty ironic (killing trees???). Poland Spring has it’s logo on The Boston Marathon, the NYC Marathon and a rock n’ roll concert series, all of which make sense. Odd will be the day I see runners carrying boxes of water. And about the concerts? Who doesn’t love classic rock? It’s a dying art form, like boxed water should be.
8. GOOD OLE NESTLE
So Poland Spring is actually a branch of Nestle. Yeah, you read that right: Nestle. Like the chocolate and other sweet treat makers. Now, who can ignore that? I’ve been chowing down on Nestle chocolates and chugging down their strawberry milk for years! Too much time and money of my parents has been invested in my dedication to the company for me to drink some flashy new product.
9. ONE REASON IT’S SEMI-OK
Well, needless to say, we have come a long way since the debut in 2011 of canned bread by Squidward. It seems
that the ridiculous food industry is leaving it’s crazy party days behind and starting a family and buying a house with chrome everything, so good for them!
9. JUST…NO.
As I said before, these “revolutionary” new boxes of overpriced sewage runoff are really easy to make fun of. And honestly the ninth reason is only here because I needed to write more. I’m pretty sure my arguments been convincing enough, but if you’re still clutching onto that sharp-edged box in your now-misshapen Coach handbag, remember this: I will definitely be laughing at you on the subway.
