Charlie Freyre…
on kids talking religion.
For the first time in my life, the greatest drama taking place this March wasn’t taking place on an American basketball court. For me at least, my eyes were fixed on God’s favorite popularity contest, the papal elections. For the second time in less than a decade, all the world’s cardinals met for the “rave in the conclave” to see who the next Catholic spiritual leader should be. As a former CCD student and communion recipient, I of course had a vested interest in this most paramount of selections.
But alas, in the beginning of the process the worst of my fears appeared to be coming true, for multiple votes had passed with inconclusive results, causing some to fear this process could drag out weeks, months, even years. But rest assured for my spiritual brethren, I decided to, as per usual, find the perfect solution to the pontifical stoppage. And after a large degree of thought and consideration, I decided to throw my hat in the ring to be the next Pope.
First and foremost, if I were to be pope we never have to worry about me stepping down from office and throwing the church in flux; as a healthy(ish) 17-year old man-child in full possession of my mental faculties, I’m in the kind of physical condition to withstand the stress of my responsibilities. Of course the people who believe Benedict stepped down for health reasons are probably the same people who believe Manti Te’o when he says he thought a girl was on the other end of the phone. But rest assured, no matter the reason for the Holy Father’s abdication, I would be far too narcissistic and power-obsessed to surrender the Vatican Corner Office or a twitter account with over two million followers. So no worries about me ever stepping down.
Secondly, I’m electable, a Pope that people could get on board with. As every admissions counselor for the schools I applied to knows, I’m half-Hispanic. And if there’s one thing we’ve learned about elections recently, it’s pretty hard to win anything without the Hispanic vote. So that can’t hurt. Plus, the search for the next Pope was further complicated by the recent scandals of the Church, and finding a candidate without a connection to those scandals. But, if I were to be elected, I assure you I couldn’t possibly have a connection to anything for I haven’t been to church in years.
Finally, and most importantly, I’m just as prepared to be Pope as any of the other Cardinals in that conclave, under the current requirements for employment. The most important aspect to being Pope, as defined by Catholic dogma set in the First Vatican Council that many Catholics still follow to this day, is the idea of papal infallibility, that the Pope is totally infallible or totally free from human error. I can totally do that. I promise you that I can say with absolute certainty that I’m as infallible as St. Peter was in 33 A.D., Benedict XVI was two months ago, or John Paul II was from 1978 to 2005. I’m just as insulated from human error and mistake-making as they are.
Unfortunately, my doubts that the boys in the red frocks down in the Vatican weren’t going to see it my way came true, and we now return to our lives with a new shepherd to lead the flock, Pope Francis. And maybe he’ll be progressive like everyone hopes and change the way 1.18 billion people worldwide are taught to view women and the homosexual community. And good for him if he does. But it really doesn’t matter; as long as the church has a leader that is viewed as “infallible,” as long as the Catholic Church refuses to acknowledge the possibility of human error amongst their own leadership, the Church is going to be stuck in whichever century they’ve been stuck in for so long.
Because it really doesn’t matter if you’re one of the largest churches in the World, a football program in State College, Pennsylvania, or a “too big to fail” bank on Wall Street; if you install a culture that promotes the unquestioned following of your leadership, of endorsing the practice of hero worship, mistakes will be made, and tragedies will happen. But I’m just a simple high-school boy, none of that rational thinking about how much hierarchical, paternalistic cultures still have a place in modern society really matters to me. Like a lot of my future colleagues, I’m more worried about the palace in the Vatican and adoring crowds than any of that noise. Who wouldn’t want it? Hell, I’d sell my soul to the Devil to be the voice of God.
