10 Things I am NOT Thankful For

Audrey Piehl
Opinions Editor

1. #sandyisab*tch
   1. Whether or not you blame it on the rising seas or Obama’s reelection, the weather this fall has been crazy. Not only did we suffer through a random blizzard a few weeks ago, but notorious Hurricane Sandy left the town infrastructure DECIMATED (according to the always-entertaining Mike Handler.) I’m anticipating The Day after Tomorrow weather for Thanksgiving. Jake Gyllenhaal, come save me!
2. 17 & Pregnant
   1. It’s after the Thanksgiving banquet, which in my house occurs around 3 PM, and I am thoroughly satisfied with my half-an-hour long chow down. But look! A new member of the family: my food baby! When a meal and a starving teenager love each other very much…
3. All I want is delicious whipped cream
   1. So I’m not going to choose sides between Dunkin’ and Starbucks, but I will say that the latter’s Pumpkin Spice lattes have sprung many cravings. But as I struggle through the crowd of hipsters and bizarre employees, I start to question how far I’ll go for the over-priced seasonal beverage.
4. Who needs Thanksgiving when you can have Walmart layaway?
   1. If an alien race suddenly descended upon the Earth and based all of their findings on what they see on the television, they would have no idea Thanksgiving existed. Why? Because apparently giant bows on Lexuses  and ear-muff-sporting platinum blondes preaching the commercialization of Christmas are more significant than Thanksgiving.
5. Stuff Adults Say: Where are you applying to college?!
   1. The above question, which mostly applies to seniors but will slowly creep into the lives of underclassmen, is the bane of my existence. When estranged relatives or total strangers ask me where I’m applying to college, my soul dies a little bit inside.
6. The FOUR WEEKS before Christmas Break
   1. Many have probably noticed how early Thanksgiving is knocking on our doors this year. This seems fabulous now, but there will be four weeks before Christmas Break once it ends. Buckle down for the long haul, kids.
7. A sampling of family mental breakdowns:
   1. “My boyfriend…*hiccup*…just b-broke up with m-me…we were in love.”
   2. “DANNY BROKE THE WISHBONE! WAH! NOW I WON’T GET THE PONY I WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS!”
   3. “Queers getting married? Legitimate Rape?! This country is going to the DOGS!”
8. Pumpkin-pin-wearing peppy people (make me very, very not peppy)
   1. Their cheeks are rosy, Charlie Brown is snuggling with Snoopy on their homemade sweater, and the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade brings tears to their eyes. They are the excessively spirited Thanksgiving prophet, smelling of “Autumn” Yankee candles and graciousness. It makes me sick. Let me be an angsty teenager in peace!
9. “Alone time” does not exist
   1. All you want to do is watch American Horror Story and Adam Levine’s sexy body without the interruption of an uncle’s inspirational story or mother’s nagging. But, since relatives have crammed into every cranny of your home, such a quest is a futile one. Even the bathrooms always seem occupied.
10. A list of the necessary frostbite-repelling equipment:
    1. Puffy coat (probably a NorthFace)
    2. Hat complete with pom-poms
    3. Gloves
    4. Leg warmers (if you feel 80s-esque)
    5. Earmuffs
    6. Boots (Probably Uggs)
    7. Scarf (Preferably bought for $5 at a stand in NYC)
    8. Some manifestation of flannel
    9. A Viking attitude